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Sissify Yourself: Learning to Think pt IV



To my secretary:



Listen, pet. First of all, you have passed the first week's tests with flying colors. Good job. Although I have to say that this was just a warm-up. The following weeks will demand many hours of hard work from you. Work that in the end will pay off. In time, you will become the type of secretary that I have in mind. A secretary with specific needs, skills and attributes.


Up until now, I have to say I'm impressed with your performance. Your results indicate that you are an efficient, organized person, who has already managed to learn the basic knowledge in the area that I call as "generic female lifestyle". This is of utmost importance, as now we are building the foundation of your future self. Our goal, is for you to progress through the intermediate levels of more specialized areas of woman's behavior and psychology and eventually develop an expertise in a certain domain. Of course, this domain will be directly connected to your work as my secretary. 


As I said though, before we move on to more specific skills, we have to set up the foundation. The core of your future attributes. This is why the first weeks are of utmost importance. We learn the basics now.  


Listen, pet. You are a secretary. That means you are expected to behave in a certain way, speak in a certain way, think in a certain way and live in a certain way. You are no longer the boss of anyone. You now have the place of an under-qualified female. For that reason, your image has to be set so that it fits your new place. I know it's hard for you to accept it, but you don't really have a choice here. You know that now... 


So let's put first things first. From now on, every morning, from the moment that you step into your office, I want you to start chewing a gum. I never want to see you again with an empty mouth. In fact, from now on, it is forbidden to have an empty mouth. If you ever get caught without a gum in your mouth, you will be severely punished. That means you will chew gums at all times. But not any gums. You will chew gums that make big bubbles. Okay? I want your mouth to be full, as if you were eating. So. This is your very first characteristic. Simple and small, isn't it? See, as a secretary, you will have to get used to chewing gum and to making big bubbles. It is indicative of your place and as such, it should be prioritized  My long-term goal is for you to feel empty and weird when you have nothing in your mouth. Got it?


Next is your perceived intelligence. As you may realize, it is of extreme difficulty to lower your IQ. As a secretary though, you realize that you can't look smarter than your boss. As a matter of fact, we want the exact opposite result. As a secretary you have to look, well.. let's say not bright, so that you make ME look like, well.. your boss! That means I want 3 things from you: 


First, we will have you get used to grammar mistakes. Listen. I know it's way too hard to make you forget your grammar at this age and I know I may not succeed. But at least, we have to try. I would be extremely satisfied if I could at least see you making even one mistake. It would mean that we are on the right path. Never mind, we'll see. What is important is that from now on, I expect at least 3 grammar mistakes for every 500 words that you write. That's right. Whenever you write something, you will follow this rule. AT ALL TIMES. Even when you are in your house and you want to write down a simple note. The rule counts them as words too. As of this point, your life must be filled with grammar mistakes. Spelling mistakes, syntax mistakes, wrong use of tenses, apostrophes. Anything will do. You are a secretary now. You are not a PhD! Making a few (or many) grammar mistakes wouldn't seem weird by anyone. Moreover, that way, people may think that you got this job, well.. I don't know. People can be mean sometimes. So... give it to them! Okaee? (See, I did this on purpose...). From now on and for the rest of your life, you are expected to do at least 1 grammar mistake for approximately every 100 words that you write... or say. Yeah that's right. Or say! As we said. We have to fight your intelligence with all of our weapons. That means you start changing your ways. Your sentences must become simple. A noun, a verb and that's pretty much it. You say what you want to say, but you have to get used to simplify your sentences so that you give people the impression that you do not have the ability to do even the simplest tasks, as well as to increase your syntax mistakes exponentially until you make them your own. 


Second, I don't want you to even sound smart. For that reason, I thought it would be perfect if you had, let's say... a lisp! I know you don't have one. Listen, though. Since having you trying to speak intentionally with a lisp, would seem fake and annoying, I thought about a better, more permanent solution. We will change your teeth's structure. How about that? Well, listen. On Monday you have an appointment with an orthodontist. Don't worry, I have already taken care of the financial aspect. You just have to get there. Don't freak out. He will just have your front teeth a bit broadened, that's all. There's nothing to worry about your teeth though. We just want the air to come out from there, so that you acquire a broad, sloppy sound to all the sibilants, that's all. It is going to help you fit well into your new position. What do you say? See, I want my secretary to have her own personality. And your voice was too much... flat, you know? Too much serious and boring. While now with that, I think you'll be perfect. You know, baby, people will call all day. Important people. Your telephone will be the most used piece of equipment in your office. Well, that's why we had to polish up your voice, your style and your techniques. I don't want my callers to be intimidated by the person who answers the phone! I want them to feel comfortable. And what's more effective in that direction than hearing a gentle "Mrs Catherine Stevens' Office" with a cute, small lisp? 


Now. The last thing that needs to be modified regarding your perceived intelligence is, well... your face! It does not sell your position! See, your face has to be able to say a story about you. And YOUR face tells the wrong story at this moment. For that reason, we have to add one small, but at the same time unbelievably important item: glasses. Have you ever seen a secretary without eyeglasses? Listen. Like it or not, you will do a lot of stupid things in the future. That means, either way, your perceived IQ in the future will drop significantly. For that reason. Adding an item that says "i'm smart" will seem like a desperate call for some of your then-lost respect, helping you reach to the exact opposite results. As you may have already thought though, there is a problem here: you don't actually NEED eyeglasses, right? Well, that's why you have to pay attention: "My secretary has to wear eyeglasses". In fact, my secretary has to be in great need of her eyeglasses! She has to be dependent on them. All the time. So, since YOU are now my secretary, I guess we 'll have to take care of that. I'm sorry to tell you this, baby, but your eyesight has to be extremely damaged... Listen. Next Monday your eyeglasses will be sitting on your desk. That means, you get them immediately and you wear them for as long as you work here. Okay? At first, your perfectly healthy eyes will try to reject their new sight standards, but soon they will adapt. So, try to ignore dizziness, nausea etc. It's only temporary. In time, your eyesight will be as bad as we want it (which in your case will be pretty bad...) leaving you in need of your new sexy secretary eyeglasses. I'm sure at first, you will find the large frame and the thick lenses a bit out there, but remember? We want you to sell your new place! We want your face to tell a story about you. We want people to see the huge difference between me and you. And believe me, honey. The stories I want people to think about you, are not the ones you have in mind...




Okay. I think we are done with that. Now. There are some other things that need to be fixed, before I tell you about your job. Listen. As you have already seen, our first priority is to create an image of you that practically says to everyone: "see? she is better than me". Well, listen, honey. There is something in you - I can't really tell what exactly - that sends the message: "don't worry, everything will be fine". I can't describe it. It's some kind of an aura that you carry with you. And while that kind of confidence may have been an asset in the past, now for your new position is more like an obstacle! See, dear. Let's say you are a very important person coming in MY office to talk with ME. Let's say you are about to lose millions and you are here seeking for MY help. You think it would look okay if my secretary started talking to you completely calm and confident, as if she knew that everything is gonna be alright for you? You think it would look normal? Do I need to answer this? You are a fuckin secretary, dear! What do you know about business???


You are a secretary, honey. You may not live or think like one yet, but believe me, you will learn. Until then, we will have to work on your acting skills. Until you learn to feel like a secretary, you will learn to act like one! What do I mean? Listen. I know it's not easy to pretend you are someone that you are not. Only actors manage to do this. Well, that's why I thought that it would really help you on this, if you could just practice your acting skills everyday! Yes, that's right! Just pay attention. 


You will watch the movie "Mean Girls". Have you watched it? I don't think so. Well, now you will. In fact, you will go beyond that. Listen. Until I decide that your whole attitude and style fits your new place as my secretary, you will do the following: Every afternoon, before we leave, you will audition for me. You will watch the movie and you will look for "Karen Smith". Amanda Seyfried is playing her. Well, that's the part you will audition for. Pay attention though. This is no game we 're playing here. I have no intention of seeing you making fun of anything. I want to see you strive to make this role yours. If you ever make fun of it, you will see the rest of you life behind bars. Until then, you will learn all her words, right from day one. If asked, you will be able to recite her whole part at once. 





Karen Smith is the role model for your new secretarial attitude towards life. So you watch her every move, stick to every little detail of hers, copy everything. I want you to know even the way she blinks her eyes! I'm sorry dear, but it's the only way to change that confident, irritating, pain-in-the ass attitude towards everything. There's no room for that now, dear. Now "I" must be all these things! Not you! You will learn to act like "Karen Smith". 

You must be a fun and likable person, but not a respected one. You have to be polite and smiley and nice but never have an opinion of yours. You have to go along with everything that others are doing and never have much say in it. So you will practice that role everyday and you will audition for me again and again, until you perfect all the new aspects of your attitude that will replace the old ones. The mildly confused expression that is going to become a trademark of yours, the happy disposition, the low self esteem, the giggle, the lisp, everything! I want people who come into my office to treat you like an ornament or something. I want the lights on me, remember?





Now, let's talk about the real things. Your job. Listen, baby. Friday for you is the most important day of the week. You know too much. I think we have established that. As well as the fact that your skills must be redirected towards the opposite direction. As we said, you are way overqualified for the position of the secretary. So, how do we take a person like you and turn him into a secretary? Listen, honey. Shutting you off of pretty much everything that you used to do is one thing. And apart from it, I'm confident that all the hard work that you 'll put during the week, will soon start to pay off. As you may understand though, dear, this is not enough. In fact, this is not near to enough! Reading about fashion does not make you a secretary, does it? Of course not, honey. Learning the last issue of Cosmopolitan by heart doesn't mean you have what it takes to really understand what you just read! You have to see it with your own eyes! Don't you think? Well, that's when your Fridays enter the equation. 

Pay attention dear. As of this moment, Fridays become practice days for you. Listen to me. You are a secretary now. And you will never have any ambition to go beyond that level. Right? Ever. And don't let the skills you have now to fool you. In time, you will lose most of them. Soon I'll be better than you in everything. I'm sorry. You, will acquire a totally different set of skills though. Our lives have taken the opposite paths now. I will become a successful executive. You, on the other hand, will lose your touch. Soon you will have average secretarial skills. See, I don't want you to be anything  special, even there. Answering phones, taking a note or two and that's it. See, even being a good secretary is difficult these days. You 'll need skills that you will never have the chance to get. 

So, listen to me carefully, as this is how I think about the history of your life. First of all, you are an underachiever. I don't give a fuckin shit what you have done. You will never claim any of these to be yours. Meeting new people is going to be easy, as I'm sure they 're gonna think of you as a high-school drop out or something. Now about people you already know, if anyone asks about your past, you will deliberately leave hints that you have taken all your college degrees with cheating. Perhaps sucking your professors or something. 

Next, you have no confidence in yourself whatsoever. You have always treated people with nothing but respect, as you know they are better than you. You try to cover this handicap with your funny, carefree attitude. After all, that's why all the changes in your appearance. Don't worry: you will sound fun. Believe me. Your job is to be nice and polite to everyone, no matter how they treat you back. And believe me, I have no intention of making you seem anything more than the typical airhead secretary type, that everyone makes fun of. So, given that you are also a male, who by the way happened to pass as a big-time executive, I'm sure you will have to close your ears to a lot of people.

That means, no matter how harsh they may be, you will stay in line with your orders and each day that passes, will find you less and less of the person you once were. People may talk about you, give you advice or try to talk you up, but nothing will ever be able to stop your descent. Okay, dear? 

So, let's talk about the new you. Your new skills. The appropriate ones. Pay attention, sweety. As of this moment: you have always had a thing for beauty. It has been your passion since you were a little boy. Again, I don't give a fuck what you really thought back then. What matters now, is that from now on, this is what you 're gonna be telling everyone. Playing with makeup brushes and mascaras is now one of your first memories as a child. You have always wanted to follow that path and become a stylist or something, but you tried to be logical. That's why you ended up being an average secretary with no future. Because you never followed your dream. You tried to fool everyone into thinking you 're something special, but hey, it was just a matter of time before you would get exposed. See, you were always afraid that it would look all that gay and stuff and you tried to hide it. Whereas now, you have decided that you don't give a shit about that and you 'll go for it! You are gonna keep your day job as a secretary, but what really matters for you now, is fulfilling your beauty aspirations. 

Learn some facts about my new secretary.

My new secretary is a fun, easy going person, with a zest for life. She tries to be the best in serving her boss's needs, despite the fact that she's not well qualified (notice that I am using the pronoun "she" when I refer to my secretary, to expose the feminine nature of your new place, as opposed to your previous roles). Knowing her below average skills, she acts more like a glorified servant, who is willing to do anything to keep her boss happy. Her most distinctive characteristic is her exceptionally low IQ, which is reflected in her every move. She tries hard to earn some respect, but somehow she always ends up being ridiculed about something she did. On some level, my secretary will reinforce the sexist attitude of every man who enters this office, by unwillingly proving herself "of low intellect". 

See, honey. Mark my words. "I do not want a good secretary. If I wanted one, I could have her". "What I want is an airhead. A dumb, blonde caricature, just so that people can see the difference". Do you understand? Oh yeah, didn't I tell you? You 'll be a blonde from now on. Get used to it. It is going to make it easier for people to make the transition of your image, from the big executive to the no-brain secretary. So, get ready to accept rude, sexist jokes about blondes, with a gentle smile. Or a giggle if you'd like. You 'll be a defender of the blondes from now on. You will stand up for every blonde's right to be respected for her brains. But be careful. You are not allowed to win any of the future debates about that matter. You 'll be as vocal as it gets about the supposed misconception that blondes are stupid, but if anyone ever gives you any attention you will make sure you look as stupid as it gets. Remember "Karen Smith"? Well, that's one more thing you 'll have in common. So. Never mind. Thing is that you 'll never go by anything other than the bleached, bimbo look to match your dumb, blonde secretary image. Got it?




Now. Next. We were saying about my new secretary. Well. Being a dumb, blonde airhead is one thing. As we were saying, my secretary has no intention of ever doing something better than... well, be a secretary. That's her top. The best she can do. Okay? I want to speak to her and have a vegetable in front of me. Do you understand me, dear? So, how do we fry her brain? It's easy. Listen. My secretary has an unfulfilled dream. An aspiration. A life's goal. She has a dream that will consume her whole life. That will characterize her existence. See, I have a secretary who desperately wants/needs/craves to become a beauty guru. 

What is a beauty guru, you may ask. Well, listen. It's very typical of girls to have a thing about cosmetics, beauty, fashion and stuff. One may be into nails, other may be into hair, makeup, shoes, you name it. Then if she practices again and again, gradually she becomes a nails expert, or a makeup expert etc. That makes her a beauty guru? No! To gain the title of beauty guru, one must be an expert in every area of beauty and style. Next she has to create her own youtube channel and blog and finally she has to get people to follow her. Sounds easy? Let me tell you: it is NOT. It takes time and skill. It can't happen overnight. You have to be dedicated to it. You have to put your all into it and jump right in. You have to win your audience. The amount of followers you get will be based on the quality of your work. That means you don't post hasty, half-done tutorials about amateurs. You put your best foot forward. You pay attention to the detail. You gain experience. You learn about stuff that your audience doesn't know. You become an expert in every aspect of beauty. You become an icon. You make people admire you for your skills. You do not follow trends. You have a personal style. A taste. You have opinion. And you share it with your followers. And of course there's one thing above all: practice, practice, practice! This is how you become a beauty guru, honey...    

And unfortunately, my secretary must be a beauty guru. I'm sorry to tell you, but my secretary is a passionate beauty expert. She doesn't give a fuck about her job. In fact, she doesn't even try to learn. What she really loves doing is doing and undoing her nails. Trying makeups, mascaras, eyeshadows, brushes, hairstyles, clothes, everything. That's her passion. Her every thought. Her life. This is the only thing in the world that my secretary is actually good at. Do you understand, dear?




Your one and only purpose is to become an expert in beauty, style and fashion. You will spend thousands of hours applying cosmetics in your face and body. I want you to have total control over every beauty product that comes out. Either it's the latest Viva Glam Nikki 2 Lipglass, or the cheapest drugstore face cream. I want you to look at a girl in TV and tell exactly what products she's wearing. That means one thing, baby: PRACTICE. For that reason: from the moment you step into your office every morning, you will immediately start applying products in your face and body. Immediately. Let me tell you how a typical Friday goes for you.

You enter your office. Sit on your desk. You have bookmarked at least 100 beauty gurus. You watch the first vid. Let's say you watch "Kim Kardashian Bronze Smokey Eye & Red Lips + Full Face", by carlibel. You go buy what you need to copy the look. In this case you need: a L'Oreal Magic Nude Liquid Powder Foundation, a BH 120 Makeup Palette, a Whitening Lightning Brow Bar and a BH 10 Color Blush. Oh and a pair of earrings. You try to copy the look. Spend as much time as you need. Then you check the result. Have you done a good job? If yes, you move on to the next vid. If not, you remove the tons of makeup you have on and guess what... You try again! Remember, honey. We demand excellence. Anything less than perfection will not be tolerated. In your case, either you look 100% like Kim Kardashian, or you repeat the same thing over and over again until you do look. There's no third road here. 

And that's only about makeup. Your expertise will be in far more areas of course. Skincare, nails, hair. You get the picture. Your nails for example. You are expected to do and undo your nails all day long. Even when talking to the phone. It's so "secretary" and as such it will be ranked 1st in your hobbies list. You will soon damage your nails and when you do, you will put on fakes. The point to all this is to realize that you have to be the one giving advice to women soon. Which means that you don't have time. You have to get real good, real soon. It's your only job now.

Listen to me, pet. Like it or not, my secretary is a totally useless, blonde, airhead bimbo, whose life revolves around her nails, her hair, her makeup, or any other meaningless shit, that a dumb slut would care for. You are a boy, dear, I know. But you see, being a "boy" can be pretty threatening in the future. And I don't want to jeopardize anything here. You see, our fuckin society, treats boys differently and as much as I hate that, I can't close my eyes to the fact. It's a universal truth. "Men are more respected than women". And we have to protect me from that. "I" have to be the respected person in the office, not you. And unfortunately, "I" am a woman and "you" are a man. They say women who want to go up the corporate ladder acquire more male characteristics in time. Well, I guess that works both ways, right? 

See, I think giving you a bunch of them won't be much of a problem. After all, I'm sure that you needed a change in your profile. Don't you think you were "too" serious?

Listen, baby. As of tomorrow, you will start acting more ladylike. Not much. We don't want people to think that you are making fun of something. Small things at first. Almost unnoticeable. Maybe a cute, girly facial expression or two. A barely noticeable wiggle in your walk. Or maybe choosing to sit cross-legged, instead of sitting well... like a man. Stuff like that. We want to give people the impression that there's nothing out of the ordinary with you (well, okay, I guess once you get the lisp, the hair etc, you 'll send a message, but that's not going to happen tomorrow, right?). So, we'll make it happen gradually. We want to give people the time to adjust to your more feminine manners. Don't worry though, 'cause in time you will have the expressions, the moves and the manners of a classy, refined lady. 

You are a secretary now, baby. In time, you 'll be reading women magazines, you 'll learn about fashion, styling, beauty, health. You 'll have bleached hair, tongue-ring. You will lisp like a little girl. You 'll be doing your nails, your hair, your makeup. and I forget so many things. Well, I'm sure people won't expect from you to behave anything less than a ballerina, right? 

So, that's what we are going to give them. I know it may be hard for your ego, dear, but it's of utmost importance that we eliminate even the last drops of respect for their once mighty boss. Listen. First, we 'll be taking you to a catwalk instructor. What you need is to learn to walk with grace. There's no secretary in the world walking like a man, is it? You have to learn to stand like a lady, to work on your posture, to fill it with elegance. Don't worry. She is well informed about your situation and I'm sure she will do her best. She is instructed to push you to your limits, so don't you ever dare disobey any command that she gives you. As we said: you have to learn too much, too soon. And you are expected to learn to walk like a supermodel, honey. You will spend hundreds of hours with her, watching other supermodels, learning about their past, spotting the differences between their walks. You are expected to take elements of them and experiment, dear. But that means you 'll have to become an expert in it. You 'll have to watch a walk and tell the name of the model instantly. See, changing your every move is not going to be a walk in the park. You have to try. Too damn hard. See, my secretary has a signature walk. And signature moves. That's what your instructor has to help you develop. And it's not easy. Believe me. She will help you find a walk that will make you stand out. She will help you strut your stuff in high heels, pose, walk like a diva. A rather dumb diva. You have so many things to learn, dear. You have to inject your personality into your moves. To find your own unique style. One that says: "I'm nothing but a dumb, blonde secretary". I bet a slight wiggle in your walk is going to be a given from now on. 

And of course there are going to be weekly examinations. By me. Where you 'll be examined in your runway skills, your charisma and your photogenic abilities. During your examinations: a) you will walk a certain distance in high-heels, b) you will have a photo-shoot and c) you will have a 5 minute talk with me. Easy as it may sound, the last part is going to be the trickiest. In it, you 'll be examined in your "natural poise", which in fact will require from you to talk about something specific and at the same time radiate the natural charisma of a refined lady. You have to let thousands of years of femininity enter your physiology and in a certain time frame. It's hard. Almost impossible, I know. But it 's something that can be taught. For example, from now on you have to remember to allow your joints to bend slightly, at all times. How's that for a start? See, as a refined, ladylike being, your elbows, knees, wrists and ankles should all be comfortably bent. It gives you grace and a sense of natural poise. Don't you think? See, this is what your instructor will try to instill in you. So, you be a good girl and listen to her, okay? 

This is just the beginning after all. It's just so that you learn the basics of female posture, manners and behavior. In time and as you progress, you will develop the natural charms of a slow, senseless secretary. You will learn to use your body language. Learn to be polite for example, but in a submissive way, looking down when you speak to a man, or getting up when someone enters my office. You will learn to make fun of yourself, using cute/dumb facial expressions, to advertise your low self esteem and make people feel comfortable to laugh at you. 

And of course you will learn to tease. Practice even the tiniest body muscle to be in service of teasing. Teasing men of course. See, you can do whatever you want in your private time, but here you have work to do. And it is part of your secretarial duties to play with men as much as possible. I'm not saying that you hit on every guy that enters my office, but you will surely be a pleasant presence here. Making everybody feel wanted and sexy. You have every right to protest now, as you have no clue how to do this, but believe me, you will learn. Your instructor will show you everything. How to pose when you wait, how to bend when you want to pick up something, how to walk when you want attention, how to slightly touch a male when you talk to him, how to look at him when he talks to you, everything.




My secretary will be a walking invitation to any male that enters my office. It will be her job to make everyone feel comfortable, so that I take advantage of them. For that, as you understand you will have to learn a whole set of skills so that you become the type of secretary that I need in my job. Otherwise you 'll be useless to me. And believe me, you don't want to be useless to me. In fact, you 'll be of great use to me. You will help me threaten, corrupt, blackmail whoever may stand in my way, so get ready to do some pretty bad stuff. Getting on the top is never easy, dear. You are gonna see me hit on ugly clients, tape me fuck happy fathers, help me seduce senates, you 're gonna see lots of things. 

But you won't have to care about that. Your area will be: gay people. With your new style and attitude you will turn into a sex-bomb for gay men. So we we are going to work on it. Your cock-teasing skills will be elevated to match those of a first-class hooker. You will learn how to make a man hard in a blink of an eye. For that, you will be receiving weekly lessons from high-class professional escorts, in the art of seducing. You understand of course that you will practice those skills in real life situations, so that we ensure top performance from you. I personally will check on your progress.




You are expected to know every gay bar in town, meet at least 5 new gay men every week and get at least 30 phone numbers ever month. You will eliminate any sign of discomfort when a man gets close to you. On the contrary, you will learn to draw a male'a attention, make him hunt you, crave for you and finally be willing to do anything to have you. This is how you stay in use for me. 




In return I am willing to let you keep your personal life intact. That means you can keep that whore of yours if you want. For now, I don't see any reason to break up with her. You understand of course that there is no room for commitment with her, nor will ever be, as your sexual needs and preferences will be directed towards the direction that suits my needs. And for your information, they are mainly homosexual, as this is the only area that I can't cover myself. As I said though, I am willing to let you keep all this a secret from her. 

So, listen, honey.

I think you are ready to begin your new life.

You know I am currently in YOUR meeting. 

From the moment I walk in, I want to see the new YOU. The time of constant pressure and examinations has begun for you, my dear. I want to see my new secretary. And I want her to be all professional and ladylike as expected from her position. Your descent begins today, dear.

Oh and you will go by the nickname "brat" from now on. Don't worry, I 'm gonna make sure that everybody gets used to it. 

P.S: There is a pill in the first drawer. I suggest that you took it. Do not ask.







Yours faithfully,


Catherine Stevens